


The Suburbia Job

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Category: Leverage
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 01:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5438597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Come on, guys, we need to be better than this if we're going to pull off this job and save this family."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Suburbia Job

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Radiolaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radiolaria/gifts).



> This is a riff off of one of my recipient's prompts, which was "in the process of helping a client family who has absolutely no idea bad guys were recruited to help them, the team pisses off some very bad guys and has to lay low for a while. And the best way to lay low and protect the family is obviously to live undercover as unsuspecting neighbours. All of them. Strange bedfellows encouraged."
> 
> Thanks to my beta. More notes coming soon...

"Uh, guys? What the hell is this?"

I glance up at Nate's question. He sounds more irate than normal; that can't be good.

"Is it pizza?" Hardison asks, barely looking up from the videogame he and Parker are playing. "Cuz I'm starving, man! Eliot needs to get cracking in the kitchen."

"Damn it, Hardison! If you say one more word about that, I'll punch you in the face."

"Then order some damn pizza, man! I'm starving!"

"Boys!" I say, noticing the vein in Nate's temple starting to throb. "That's enough."

Setting her controller down, Parker turns to face Nate. The easy way she contorts her body into such unnatural positions still confounds me after all these years. Her eyes narrow slightly as she studies him, head tilting slightly to the side.

"Do we have a new client?" she finally asks. "Is that what that paper's all about?"

"Oh god, I hope it's a new client," Eliot says. "I need to get the hell outta this place. All this suburbia makes my skin crawl."

"Guys."

"You're just pissed that you can't kill anybody while we're here. You gotta find your zen and chill."

"Says the guy playing shoot 'em up games. You're the pot calling the kettle black, Hardison."

" _Enough!_ "

All conversation in the room stops as everyone turns to face Nate. I start to get up to try to calm him down, but he holds up a hand. Without thought, I settle back in my chair, unsure of what he's up to.

"I just received a letter that's got me a little confused and a lot angry."

"Shouldn't that be 'very angry'?"

Oh, Parker, no. Not when he's that upset.

"Not now, Parker!" he snaps, holding the letter up again. "This letter came from the Home Owners' Association. Apparently, we have thirty days to come up to their standards or we'll be fined and sanctioned for breach of contract. Anyone care to explain how we got" -- he glances down at the letter again briefly -- " _five_ violations from only living here for two months?"

"Uh, hold on. What are the violations? Maybe they got the wrong house?"

Nate's eyes narrow at Hardison's questions. "No, Hardison, they've got the right house. I'm just not sure how these all managed to happen. So how about we go through them all together, shall we?"

As if realizing just how serious Nate is, Hardison very carefully saves his progress and shuts off both TV and game console. He takes a nervous swallow of his orange soda, but says nothing more as Nate moves to stand in front of the big screen TV.

"Dear Mr. Baker," Nate says, reading the letter. "We of the Home Owners' Association feel the need to present this letter to you with our displeasure over some complaints received from our other homeowners in response to the members of your residence. In fact, there have been numerous complaints in the past two months since you and your family moved in, but they fall within five specific categories."

Oh dear. Numerous complaints in five specific categories? My mind starts to wander, trying to remember anything we've done that could cause trouble.

"Category the first, with seven separate complaints, is the oversized American flag displayed on a flagpole in front of your home."

"Are you kidding me?" Eliot growls. "That flag stands for something. What the hell is wrong with these peop--"

"Per the HOA agreement that you signed, you may fly a standard-sized flag from a pole attached to the front of your home, and the pole is not to exceed thirty-six inches in length. The flag pole you currently have on display is ten feet tall and displays a flag that is nearly three times the size that is allowable."

"This is bullshit, Nate! That flag is important. I bet nobody else shows the proper respect for the flag when the weather's bad, or when the sun goes down."

"Look, I get that this is taking longer than we'd planned, but we don't have a choice."

"Fine," Eliot mutters as he moves to sit in the chair opposite mine. "I'll take the damned pole down. I see they didn't mention how I've been keeping up the lawn. I bet it was the Johnsons that complained. They don't keep the grass at two-point-five centimeters like the HOA agreement says, but do I turn them in? Nope. Stupid yuppies."

Nate clears his throat, then continues with the letter. "Category the second, with fifteen separate complaints, is the excessive energy usage in this house."

" _Fifteen_ complaints?" Eliot asks with a laugh. "That's worse than me!"

"Your home uses more energy than any four other homes in the entire HOA," Nate continues, glaring at Eliot. "Lights have been seen on in the main and basement levels of your home on several occasions in the wee hours of the night and morning. This has some HOA members concerned about the goings on in your home."

All eyes turn to Hardison, who won't meet anyone's gaze at first. "What? Oh, okay. Blame the black man, is that it?"

"No, Hardison," I say, attempting a soothing tone, "it's more like blame the hacker."

"Damn it, Hardison! They probably think you're growing pot in the basement. How could you be so stupid?"

"Oh, it's okay when y'all want answers to your lame ass trivia apps, but when I'm doing some actual _work_ , I get the blame? This is bullshit!"

"Get some sleep like normal people and you won't get blamed!"

Before the disagreement can escalate between the boys, Nate raises his voice to continue. "Category the third, with fifteen separate complaints, concerns the number of people living in your home. When you moved into the house and signed your HOA agreement, you stated that five people would be living in your home, consisting of you, your wife, and your combined three siblings. Your wife, Sarah, mentioned that her twin sister Jane would be visiting from England for a couple of weeks."

Hardison turns to stare at me. "Sarah and Jane? Y'all need to branch out from the _Doctor Who_ references. That's kinda lame."

"Several of our members have mentioned meeting various of your wife's relatives, beyond her sister Jane. We must ask just how many people are residing in your home, as well as how long they'll be staying. Anything longer than five days is supposed to be submitted to the HOA office in writing two weeks prior to the visit. Anything longer than thirty days requires the person be added to the HOA agreement as a regular and permanent member of the household."

"I can explain--"

"Really, Sophie?" Nate asks, exasperation written all over his face. "I expected more from you. How many family members are there?"

"Not that many." I wave a hand noncommittally. "I was just having a little fun, keeping up my skills while we're here." When he frowns, I mirror the expression. " _Fine_. I'll have Jane go back home to England."

"And Liz," Parker adds.

"And Katherine," Hardison replies.

Eliot actually grins, the cheeky sod. "And Grace and Annie."

"Five relatives, Sophie? Isn't that a bit excessive? This isn't a huge community and we don't know how long we'll be here."

"I was bored and wanted to keep my skills up. I'll send them all home. Except maybe Jane. She's fun."

Nate rolls his eyes and returns to the letter. "Category the fourth, with twenty-eight separate complaints, concerns the issue of indecent exposure. Your sister Alice has been witnessed in various states of undress, including a complete lack of clothing, on multiple instances by several of your neighbors."

"Who's Alice?" Parker asks. "Is that one of Sophie's alter egos?"

That brings me up short. "I beg your pardon! I do not prance about in next to nothing, Parker! Alice is you. Don't you remember?"

She frowns for a moment, and I can see the wheels turning in her head. "Oh! From the jury job, right? She's so nice."

"And she's apparently walking around naked."

"I can be naked in my room. It's my room."

"But you need to close the curtains first," Eliot says. "That's just common sense."

"But it's _my_ room."

"Parker, they can see you. Nobody should see you naked that you don't want to." There's a pause and Hardison looks faintly queasy. "You don't want the whole neighborhood to see you naked, do you?"

"But-- But it's _my_ room and _my_ balcony for sunbathing. I like how the sun feels on my skin. It's like swimming in money."

The squabbling continues for a couple of minutes before Parker huffs and promises to try to close her curtains more often. Hardison mutters something about one way glass, but I know it probably won't go anywhere.

"And finally, category the fifth, with thirty-five separate complaints, is the excessive noise coming from your residence. These complaints have almost all been in conjunction with one of the other complaints previously listed in this letter. While law enforcement hasn't been called in relation to any of these complaints thus far, we will have no choice but to utilize them if the noise and or nudity complaints continue in the future."

"Noise complaints?"

"You know, Parker," Eliot says with a twinkle in his eyes, "when Mom and Dad yell at us kids for being loud and obnoxious."

Parker laughs. "Or when you and Hardison get into your macho fights over kung fu and geeky stuff, right? Like when he kicks your butt in Mortal Kombat?"

Hardison chuckles then, which makes Eliot scowl. "He doesn't kick my butt at Mortal Kombat. I let him win because he whines like a baby when he loses."

"Oh hell no! I am _not_ a whiny baby when I lose. That's all you, Eliot."

"Shut up, Hardison, or I'll kick your ass right here with witnesses."

"This is _exactly_ the kind of thing this letter is about," Nate says, cutting them off. "Come on, guys, we need to be better than this if we're going to pull off this job and save this family."

"But--"

"No buts, Parker. You're each going to work on what you need to in order to stop these complaints. If not, I know exactly who's getting charged for each one. Do I make myself clear?"

They all grumble, which makes me smile. They really are like big children some days.

"I didn't hear you. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, _Dad_ ," they all chorus together sullenly.

"Good. Oh, and that means you, too, Sophie."

I roll my eyes, saying, "I already told you that I'd send the family back home. And I'll clear it with you before I bring Jane back."

"Excellent. And now, if you'll all excuse me, I need to go schmooze the HOA board to get this taken care of. And we should probably consider holding a barbeque or a pool party to appease the neighbors."

"Oh, a pool party! Can I swim naked?"

The four of us reply in concert, "No, Parker!"


End file.
